I’m not afraid to admit that I used to consider myself one of the world’s biggest Poison fans, and that, for a long time, I found the band’s frontman, Bret Michaels, quite desirable. But sometime late last decade (which, not so coincidentally, is when Rock of Love made its big debut) I stopped seeing Bret as the rugged rock n' roll crooner I wouldn't kick out of bed and started thinking of things like male pattern baldness, venereal disease, male sluts, and one-hit wonders whenever I heard his name.
The 47-year old rocker is in the headlines again – and no, this time it’s not because he’s driving a Winnebago across the United States in search of his long lost rock mama, thank gawd. This time, it’s about music. Bret’s been busy in the studio, you see, recording a hot new single with none other than... Miley Cyrus.
When I first heard about this collaboration, there was a part of me that wanted to believe that the resulting duet wouldn't smack of creepiness. I wanted to give the song the benefit of the doubt – maybe it would be PG, a little ditty about sunshine, lollipops and sparkly unicorns. I mean, Miley is, after all, only seventeen years old. Right?
Right. And wrong. Yes, Miley is all of seventeen, but there ain't no sunshine in this song. Called Nothing to Lose, it’s a power ballad about two desperate lovers who, despite all efforts to resist each other, ultimately give in to their burning desires:
Won't you fall down on me / So close I can feel you breathe / Tonight in the darkness with nothing to lose / If the truth is all we can see / If I fall for you, could you fall for me?
There’s nothing wrong with the fact that Bret and Miley have teamed up to record music together. It is, of course, the song’s lyrics that ramp up the creepiness factor. When Bret Michaels croons with Miley Cyrus about her falling down on him, so close he can feel her breathe, it conjures up feelings of ick, and ew, and CREEPY. And it’s got me wondering, again. Where the youknowwhat are this girl's freakin’ PARENTS?
Miley Cyrus is many things. She’s talented, successful and very pretty, but what she’s not is an adult. She’s seventeen, for corn’s sake; she’s a young girl who still needs the guidance and direction of her mother and father, the folks who are supposed to step in and say You know, maybe an oversexed duet with Bret Michaels isn’t such a good idea after all, sweetie. It’s clear that Billy Ray and his wife have turned the Cyrus family in to one big marketing machine, and while that is their choice, the machine they’ve created has produced a nine-year-old girl who asks the world to SMACK THAT, and a seventeen-year-old girl who’s set to release a single about a steamy love affair with worn-out rocker thirty years her senior. Looking at the Cyrus girls, it’s hard not to think that this finely-tuned marketing machine is little bit broken.