This story has WTF written all over it, so I’m going to skip the preamble and dive right in: a 31-year old
woman from Kentucky is facing assault charges after squirting a police officer
in the face with breast milk.
Things recently took a turn for the crazy in the Jackson household
after thirteen-year-old Jafar, one of Jermaine Jackson’s eight children,
reportedly bought a stun gun off the Internet. Word on the wire was that he used
his cousin Prince Michael, a.k.a. Blanket, as a target.
Like many other girls who grew up in the 80s, I was a huge
Madonna fan. For a long time, whenever my best friend came over, our favourite game to play was Desperately
Seeking Susan. We used to raid my mother’s pile of old costume jewelry,
clothes and makeup in an attempt to look the way Madonna and Rosanna Arquette did on the
cover of my Dress You Up LP. We'd parade around the house, pretending we were in
New York City, seeking desperately for Susan.
Kids emulate celebrities all the time, but
sometimes it goes to far. Sometimes, it makes you wonder how much celebrity role-play is too much.
It only took him five months, but British actor Jude Law has
finally laid eyes on his newest bundle of joy – daughter Sophia, the result of a
week-long fling with New York cocktail waitress Samantha Burke. Jude, along with his lawyers, hopped on
a plane last weekend and made the trip to Miami, Florida, to meet his baby girl.
Jude talked shop with celebrity lawyer Maurice Kutner for
six hours before the meeting, and it’s been said that he and Samantha were able to come to an
agreement about raising Sophia before all was said and done.
Sounds less like a first-time father moment and more like a business
meeting, if you ask me.
I’m not afraid to admit that I used to consider myself one
of the world’s biggest Poison fans, and that, for a long time, I found the band’s
frontman, Bret Michaels, quite desirable. But sometime late last decade (which, not so coincidentally, is when Rock of Love made its big debut) I stopped seeing Bret as the rugged rock n' roll crooner I wouldn't kick out of bed and started thinking of things like male pattern baldness, venereal disease, male sluts, and one-hit wonders
whenever I heard his name.
The 47-year old rocker is in the headlines again – and no, this
time it’s not because he’s driving a Winnebago across the United States in
search of his long lost rock mama, thank gawd.
This time, it’s about music. Bret’s been busy in the studio, you see, recording
a hot new single with none other than... Miley Cyrus.
Since his now-infamous sex scandal exploded on the scene
late last year, Tiger Woods has done his best to keep out of the public eye. The
fallen golf great finally broke his silence last week, when he stood before a group of
friends, colleagues and close associates to apologize, once again, for his transgressions.
During his apology he asked the media to back off of his family,
specifically his wife and two young children. "My behavior doesn't make it
right for the media to follow my two-and-a-half year-old-daughter to school and
report the school's location," his statement read. "They staked out
my wife and they pursued my mom. Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my
family... please leave my wife and kids alone.”
In the arena of people that I always think of as asexual, possibly even neutered, teachers rank right up there with grandparents and clergy. I mean, I know that they're human, but still. When I was in high school, the idea of my math teacher dating was inconceivable. He just went home every night and read calculus textbooks, right? Right?
He certainly didn't know his way around a lap dance, I'm pretty sure about that. Not like the teachers at Churchill High School in Winnipeg, Manitoba.
When Gemma was about five days old, we were in the grocery store when an old lady went crazy on me and gave me the first stranger inflicted assvice / verbal dressing-down episodes of my parenting career.
Here I was, barely standing and using the stroller as a crutch for my poor embattled nethers with an old lady yelling at me -- loudly -- that I should never, ever let my child cry 'you MUST pick her up all the time. A good mum picks up her child all the time.' For the record, Gemma had just let out one of those wonderful little baby bird squawks before returning to her slumber and that was the 'crying' I was being reprimanded for. Old lady made this hormonal new mom cry. Hard.
Later this morning Tiger Woods will be emerging from his cave of shame (or that rumored sex rehab I read about in the grocery store checkout lanes) to 'splain himself.
For his wife Elin Nordegren's sake, I hope that if he was in a sex rehab it prescribed to Clockwork Orangesque techniques of rehabilitation and included many visiting guest lecturers like Lorena Bobbitt.
Because, seriously? If even a tenth of his 'story' is true, dude needs to wear a huge cone of shame in front of his wife and children.