When Gemma was about five days old, we were in the grocery store when an old lady went crazy on me and gave me the first stranger inflicted assvice / verbal dressing-down episodes of my parenting career.
Here I was, barely standing and using the stroller as a crutch for my poor embattled nethers with an old lady yelling at me -- loudly -- that I should never, ever let my child cry 'you MUST pick her up all the time. A good mum picks up her child all the time.' For the record, Gemma had just let out one of those wonderful little baby bird squawks before returning to her slumber and that was the 'crying' I was being reprimanded for. Old lady made this hormonal new mom cry. Hard.
Some people love to think they are a better parent than the you. Most of them as far as I can tell either don't have children or had children sometime in the Mesozoic era. Word to some of my more judgemental elders: times have changed and I might not parent like you.
Anyway. I think the woman who found the following note on her car wind shield might live in my neighbourhood and met the lady from my grocery store experience:
The mom found this on her windshield at the shopping mall where she was with her 18 month old who kept ripping off his shoes and socks. FTR: It was 17 degrees (64 for my American friends.)
So either this was a personal vendetta against this woman or OH MY HOLY HECK MR or MISS or MRS STRANGER! You try keeping socks on a child's feet when she doesn't want to wear them without resorting to duct tape and staples. I bet the note would have even been a whole lot nastier if the mom HAD used duct tape and staples to keep the kid's socks on.
Let me tell you, when Gemma was 18 months old, she was a motherbleeping naked Houdini regardless of weather conditions. She could escape onesies, socks, and prisons like no other child.
Bottom line: Bad Moms don't judge, they give support. Usually found in a nod of 'been there, done that, you'll get through it just fine.'
I get judged more regarding socks and shoes than ANYTHING else. I've never gotten a note on my car, but I did have a woman threaten to call DCFS on my in the grocery store once because my son didn't have socks on (because he had taken them off and chewed on them and wet socks are apparently better than bare feet). It was in the upper 40s F/8ish C
The very same woman also schooled me in the rule that "you should never take a baby out who doesn't have any hair" Um...9 months and counting and we'd still be stuck at home.
I was kinda hoping that she would call and report me for taking a bald baby to the grocery store :)
Posted by: (Don't) Pat the Belly | 02/19/2010 at 10:20 AM
My daughter never took a soother so when she was wee my partner and I often resorted to letting her suck our fingers. Enter random guy on bus telling me this is bad for her teeth and I should get her a soother. Thanks for the advice but she's the boss around here. This kind of stuff comes from all quarters. My favourite rant about this comes from comic Louis C.K. He does a bit about how once you're a parent, when you see that mom in the store yelling at her kid you don't think, "what a bad mother" you think, "what did that kid do to that poor woman!"
Posted by: Kristin | 02/19/2010 at 11:39 AM
People can be such assholes!
Posted by: Michelle | 02/19/2010 at 12:03 PM
file this one under ass-munch. these are the same people (sometimes they are of the elderly persuasion) who while my son is throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of Sears and I am calmly ignoring him from the sidelines, come up and offer comfort to him as he is loosing his shit, to which I reply he is fine, he needs to be left alone, I do not negotiate with terrorists. Have a lovely day.
Posted by: the mombshell | 02/19/2010 at 04:17 PM
My husband's grandmother is the same way about the socks. She would constantly give me "the look" when Emma didn't have socks on. Then when she had her, she would wrap her up in warm clothes and blankets -- indoors -- and then wonder why she couldn't get her to stop crying. Must be colic. But take off a few of those clothes and she'd be so happy. Girl was hot! I don't know what it is about motherhood that makes some people feel the need to share their unsolicited expertise. Geez.
Posted by: Mary Helen | 02/19/2010 at 04:35 PM
I stopped going to "playdates" when my son was about 6 months old... the new mom's couldn't believe that I had stopped breastfeeding at four months... The heat I received was UNBELIEVABLE... "no, you should really try again"... "Oh, that's such a shame".... "Did you really give it a try?"... Oy Vay!!! I'd love to call their mothers and ask if they're proud of their judgmental offspring! Dummies!
Posted by: Kathryn | 02/19/2010 at 04:40 PM
There are few things that piss me off more than busybodies who get all up in my business. Counting myself very, very lucky right now that my kid (currently) likes wearing socks and shoes.
Posted by: bejewell | 02/19/2010 at 04:44 PM
People just like to feel like they are wiser, better, more adept than others. Case in point: About two months after I had my son, we were living in an apartment complex, and I parked directly by the sidewalk, and hallway leading to my first floor apartment. One morning I woke up with a note from my 60-ish neighbor berating me for a) Parking too close with my SUV because it was so big (and it was a small one) b) Needing to park further because I needed the post-baby exercise (Thank you very much for gently pointing out I was fat) and c) Living in an apartment with a child implied that I was too transient to even be a parent. I kept that note in my car until one day my son had an explosive diaper and I needed something to clean it up with. I'm very mature.
Posted by: Lona @ I am THAT mommy | 02/19/2010 at 04:50 PM
I love your article. I can totally relate. I took my daughter to the mall last July (it was approx 80 degrees F). It was also the one of the only days that I took her out without socks. In the elevator I was chastized by a little old lady for taking my child out in public without socks. Nothing like having an old lady make a new mom feel like she is a terrible mom. I also put socks on my child and turn my back and she has them off! I have learned that it is a war that few mothers win!!!
Posted by: mommas mania | 02/19/2010 at 09:43 PM
I just found this site, and I already love it! This topic has been coming up a lot for me recently. I have written about it here ( http://nowyoureintheworld.blogspot.com/2009/09/throwing-stones-at-glass-housesor.html ) and ( http://nowyoureintheworld.blogspot.com/2010/01/so-this-latest-post-has-been-long-time.html ).
My favorite was when my daughet was a few weeks old and some old lady (what is with the old ladies?) is yellig at me for bringing the baby out in the cold as she is BLOCKING THE DOORWAY I was trying to go in thorough. If it's so damn cold, how's about you get the hell out of my way lest my baby die of hypothermia, lady?
Posted by: Megan | 02/20/2010 at 12:45 AM
I have to play devil's advocate here and defend the old ladies just a little bit.
1. When they were growing up, they probably saw babies dying of pneumonia etc. so they might be a little shell-shocked about cold babies.
2. They may have also grown up in a time when it was perfectly reasonable to talk to everyone in the grocery store - because you knew everyone.
3. They are clearly so bossy that they probably are no longer allowed in their children's and grandchildren's lives - and are therefore desperate to spew out their "motherly wisdom" on any passerby.
Check out James Lileks' hilarious book Mother Knows Worst and it will give you a little perspective on the kind of parenting wisdom these old ladies were exposed to.
With all that said, they will go to the special level of hell that is reserved for buttinskis.
Posted by: Val | 02/21/2010 at 01:29 AM