Baby's Got Back

by Racy Red

The other night the hubs and I were wrestling on the couch. I'd love to say we were reliving our youth and getting ready to bump uglies on the family sofa, but the truth is we were wrestling over who got control of the remote. Sadly for him, I won. (The difference between him and me wrestling:  I fight dirty and don't feel bad about it.) Nursing a bruised inner thigh and an injured ego, my husband settled in beside me muttering how he should have marketed me in mud wrestling instead of marrying me.

(He's always been a bit of a sore loser that way.)

As I was channel surfing (with the intent of driving him crazy) he urgently yelled for me to stop and go back a channel. Feeling charitable and curious to see what has caught his blue-eyed attention, I acquiesced.  There on the small screen was Ms. Angelina Jolie, or Angie as my husband calls her when he's in the bathroom with a sock and some lotion.

"Ah man, what I would do to be able to tap that," he whispers while a trail of drool escapes one side of his mouth.

"Tap what? What is she? A maple tree?" Sheesh. Talk about lack of articulation. Men.

"Tap. Her. Ass. Over and over again. Bend her over and go-"

"I get it. You wanna fuck her up the ass. You can stop now and wipe the drool from your chin."

"Aw honey. Don't be mad. I wanna fuck you up the ass too." Amazingly, he looked sincere as he said this.  Wow. Is he ever the romantic. I am so thrilled I decided to marry this horn ball.

"What's with you and men's fascination with a little ass fucking? Isn't one hole good enough for you? Why do you always talk about poking me up the poop shoot?" I stare at him like he's some bizarre bug that has found it's way under a microscope lens.

Apparently, according to my husband and his very limited experience with the arse poke, a few internet sites and all of my male friends (who just love the fact that I ask them about anal sex in order to blog about it), the asshole can be more fun than the ladyhole.

It's tighter, oh so much tighter, thereby providing heightened sensations for a pulsating penis of love, and there can be a taboo issue combined with a bit of a power issue involved when you have a woman(or man) bent over, allowing you access to her(his) one-way-only door. It's a thrill that regular ole vaginal sex just doesn't provide.

Now it's not that I haven't had any experience in this department; there was a time when I was extremely intoxicated, young and foolish and had yet to squeeze small children out of my pink bits that I would try anything. And I gotta say, it did nothing for me. Except make me want to take a big ass dump. (Which thankfully, I did NOT do all over my husband. I was kinda worried about it at the time.)

But after having to poke back monster-sized hemorrhoids back into the ole poop shoot, I sort of lost any desire to have to pack any man-sausage up there. (I'd apologize for the over-share, but this whole damn column kinda falls into that category, so what's the point?)

However, hundreds of thousands of men (and a few woman) really enjoy anal prodding and who knows, you could too. It's one of those things everyone should try at least once in their lives with a partner they trust.  Like eating spinach or beets, you never know until you taste it.

(Not that I'm recommending you go all dirty Sanchez or felcher on your partner. I'm also not recommending that you not. I'm actually gonna back slowly away from these topics and pretend I never brought them up...it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all...singing with my fingers in my ears and eyes squeezed tightly shut.)

If I were a responsible journalist I'd prattle on and on about the importance of condoms, lubricant and safety. However,  I'm simply gonna squeeze my cheeks tighter as I type this and tell you that it always felt like I was being ripped open like a freaking canteloupe when we attempted it.

(This is sooo one of those articles you hope your mother-in-law, daddy or big brother never find and read...)

Perhaps this would be an activity better suited to one with a slightly endowed partner. Or an extremely elastic bottom. Either way, I have neither.

(You're welcome honey.)

Not that the ass is off limits in our house. I've worked hard getting this backside to resemble a bubble, and dammit, you better worship it. When I say my hubs is an ass-kisser you better believe he puckers up and worships at the altar of my cellulite riddled bottom.He can tickle my tulip anytime. But kissing the rim is a whole lot different than shoving the package into the one-way corridor.

However, a word of caution here: Sanitation is the key to some happy bottom licking. Who wants to deal with what ever may be caught in the long hairs of the moon?

Butts are meant for more than just pillow padding on and off the toilet. Especially cute butts like his and mine. However, if he's looking for some anal action for his throbbing beast of man love, perhaps he'd better keep eyeing Angelina.  I'm thinking his chances may be higher in that direction.

"You know honey, I'll let you have your way with my ass if you'll let me play with yours. After all, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Right? And I would love to try and tickle your prostate...they say the sex would be fantastic for you..."

"You know, I think I've changed my mind. It doesn't sound so fun. I think I'll just stick to the old fashioned way. Sounds like less work with equal pay off. But um, thanks honey." He looked distinctly uncomfortable and slightly green now. "You want a beer?"

I could have imagined it, but I swear his ass cheeks were clenched as he walked into the kitchen.

Comments

[MammaLoves]

Now I'm just dying to see the comments.

I have to say whatever works for someone is fine by me as long as everyone involved is on board. After years of marriage, there are things I've tried that I never thought I would. You have to keep things exciting, right?

[kittenpie]

I must say, when I talked to a gay friend of mine a few years back about the anal entry, he was totally confused as to why a woman would want to. After all, he said, it's the prostate that give the payoff for guys. Yes, there are a ton of nerve endings back there, but mine are just all set to send one message - There one ready to go!

[TSM]

When properly prepared, when the mood strikes, the combination of anal sex and clitoral stimulation is explosive! I think more women should learn how to receive it correctly, and less of them would think it is painful and no fun! Personally, I love it! You have to relax and you need a lot of lubrication (since that particular orofice doesn't create it's own...at least none that you want to use!).

[daysgoby]

I was never interested in anal sex (for most of the reasons you outlined!) until I got pregnant.

Then it was all I could think about.

I figured it was just another way pregnancy was eating my brain until I happened upon a sex during pregnancy thread...where it seemed everyone in the world wanted to try.

Weird, huh?

[angie]

Hilarious...your blogs are great...I will be back to read more often!!

[crazymumma]

It is certainly an experience not for the faint of heart.

[Teena in Toronto]

Call me boring but I'm gonna pass, thanks. But it was great fun to read :)

[motherbumper]

The links in the post are hilarious (I had heard the terms but wasn't quite certain what they were) - thanks for the education Racy Red.

[Mominatrix]

Mominatrix says that anal sex, while possibly enjoyable for women, sucks ass (literally) if you have hemmarrhoids. Rule of thumb -- if you can't stick a Prep H tip in there, then nothing else should go in either.

However, the mominatrix is all for slapping on a dildo and fucking her husband in the ass.

But she thinks that will probably never happen. So until then, all asses are exit only.

[Gunfighter]

Angelina Jolie.... Ewwww!

[Amber]

I have never ever cried after reading a blog post from laughing. My hubby didn't even know why I was laughing but he joined in when I said (through my panting and crying) "what's a dirty sanchez?" and clicked on the link.

I always wanted a pair of panties that said "exit only", but I think now that if my Hubby was interested I might be inclined to experiment. Even though I know it would be a failed one. He's totally not into it thought. He clinches up at ANY discussion of it for either one of us. And I've offered all sorts of dirty things. I'm just a little wilder than he is, I guess. ha ha.

[Therese]

Hey, you could warn about clicking those links while eating lunch!!! Good god, woman!

[anonymous]

We've tried anal a few times. I have a friend who loves it and swears she comes immediately with anal sex.

Me? No matter what we've tried, I've always felt like I was splitting open. It's not my favorite dish on the menu, that's for sure.

[Bill]

My wife and I have done anal several times--it's not a frequent part of our sex life, but we've enjoyed it off and on throughout our marriage. To my wife's credit, she has never denied me ANYTHING in our three decades (plus) of marriage. She told me that her mother told her "Anything that is okay with both of you is okay." So, we've done oral, anal, just about every surface in every room of the house (the mantle was a bit of a trick, since we're both kind of short and the ladder kept swaying), in the great out-of-doors, semi-public, exhibitionism, in the shower, in the bath, in the neighbor's swimming pool (they were away, and TOLD us to enjoy it, so we did), role-playing, light B&D and S&M, dressing up (and down), fantasizing (about our waiter/waitress, or the UPS guy, or the girl that delivered Chinese)--if I've forgotten anything, it probably wasn't all that memorable, or important. Actually, just about the only thing that we haven't tried that I've fantasized about is involving a third party.

But, back to the original subject--I was concerned that she might not get as much satisfaction from the act as I did, maybe I was being a bit selfish. She informed me that when we played Rump Ranger and his faithful companion, she came like a locomotive. I'm not sure that we have any significant secrets to pass on, but I'd emphasize lubrication and patience. Plus, we hardly ever do anal in the doggie position--just a modified missionary position.

I stumbled across this set of blogs yesterday--followed a link from one of Racy Red's other blogs. Rest assured, I'll be back.