Mr and Mrs. Dress-Up

by Racy Red

Ever lie on the bed after a sweaty bout of ho-hum sex and wonder where the sizzle went? As your partner rolls off of you and pads his way into the bathroom, do you ask yourself what the hell just happened? Sex used to be combustive. The air sizzled when the two of you looked at each other, and once you started bumping uglies the whole world quaked until you wondered if you were going to die from pleasure.

Now the only thing that quakes is the bed springs of a sagging mattress while any sparks that may fly are usually caused by the slightly rounded bellies you sport, bumping and grinding away, causing enough friction to stick a blown-up condom to the wall.

Do you dream of bringing your sexy back?

Ya, so do I. It's the curse of middle age, no matter how loving your relationship and your partner is. Once you start staring at the same penis for years on end, the salami can get a little stale. It's completely normal. But who wants normal in the sack?

Bring me the freak please, and let the good times roll.

There are many solutions. Sex toys, spanking, domination, dirty talk, and swapping if you are the more adventurous. However, for the lazy lover (like me), you want the quickest route to sexual salvation and spicy romps once more. The biggest bang for the smallest effort.

The solution is simple really. Pretend you are someone else. Or, better yet, fantasize your lover into your latest crush. We all have them. The banker who deposited payroll for you last week. The pediatrician who prescribed penicillin for the green snot oozing out of your kid's nose. Johnny Depp and his pirate talk. The blogger who inspires hot and sleepless dreams of whip cream filled orgasms....

(Warning: If you are pretending your partner is Angelina or Brad and you haven't told said partner, it would be wise to ensure the name you are screaming out in the height of passion is indeed your partner's. Or there could be some slight repercussions.)

Better yet, try role playing. It's fairly easy. You don't have to have any special props that would require an embarrassing trip into a seedy sex shop with windows blacked out by oversized triple X's. (Not that I have ever been inside once of those places....)

You just need a partner, an imagination and a yen to get laid. You can be the naughty secretary screaming out "Spank me harder dirty boy," while your lover can be the overbearing, pocket-protector wearing accountant just dying to shed his geeky image. Or try becoming the lonely, widowed ranch wife who is rescued by the big, strong, mysterious cowboy who just rolled into your bed.

Not sure your partner will go for the fantasy theme running through your mind? Don't tell them. Just walk out of the bathroom wearing a pair of crotchless panties, stilettos and a whip, (or for the more conservative), or sporting a sexy maid costume and carrying a feather duster, and let the chips fall as the may.

When your ankles are wrapped besides your ears and your partner is thrusting you to paradise while pointing out dust bunnies below the bed, it won't matter if you were worried your cellulite or stretch marks made your get-up seem ridiculous under the harsh glare of the bathroom lights.

Who says Hallowe'en costumes are for one night of the year only? Let's just say my superhero spandex and cape has seen the light of the moon more than once. Which would be why I walk around slightly saddle sore, with a silly ass grin on my face most days.

Just call me SuperRed.

Comments

[MammaLoves]

I'm just eh on the fantasies. I think I'm too literal. But I'm totally behind your concept of spicing things up.

[mamatulip]

You know, I have a nurse's outfit and I haven't worn it in a long time. Maybe tonight's the night...

[Me Today]

Oh my gosh! Fantasizing about another man totally did the trick for me recently. I had never done that before. Felt guilty and like MammaLoves said above, I'm too literal. But then Eye Candy moved in next door to this SAHM and well...let's just say he gives me plenty to fantasize about. I'm working up the nerve to blog about the whole desperate housewife drama on my blog...stay tuned.

[Mominatrix]

The mominatrix thinks costumes are fantastic. But she'd prefer just to have sex with Brad Pitt as opposed to pretending to.

[kgirlto]

One halloween (before we had kids), I dressed up like a flapper, and the huz was a sailor. We pulled out those costumes quite a few times, but actually, just him putting on the cute little sailor hat was enough for me.

Too bad the damn things don't fit either of us anymore.

[Gunfighter]

One of the perks of being a lawman is... having props.

[dizzy]

OMG! I have been married for 19 1/2 years and with the same man for 23 years. He was 19 and I was 18. And you know what? Our sex life is HOTTTT!!! Yes, we have those boring sessions because we both just want sex and we are too damn tired to work very hard at it. But when he looks at me from across a room of people, my knees still go weak. And, even after 3 babies, people comment on a regular basis that they can see how much he adores me when he watches me in a room. Even with gray hair and my larger behind, we still find each other hot enough to burn up the sheets!!!

[horny girl]

Must be nice, Dizzy. now shut up already. you're depressing the rest of us. just kidding, girl. good for you. i'm just jealous. :)

anyways, i love the office fantasy. i once went to my boyfriend's office during lunch wearing a very short black skirt, a teeny g-string, a pair of lace thigh highs and stilleto heels. he bent me over his desk and fucked me hard. it was hot as hell. that'll spice things up for sure.

[Steph]

I just recently stubbled upon your blog and have fell in love with it. You are awesome. I am not married and I don't have kids, but love reading what you have to say. You are very informative and have given me a lot of ideas that I want to try!

[moosh in indy.]

Dear Racy Red,
I only recently fell in love with a busty blonde Canadian while on a business trip to Chicago. My thoughts turn to her often and I need to know how to get over such impure thoughts of such a lusty woman.
Sincerely, Leave it to the treadmill.